Distant Arogant Dude .
every dream i’ve had lately, my dad was in. i always end up forgiving him by the end of the dream. sometimes, that’s how the dream even starts. it’s weird because i’m strongly sure about not forgiving him ever & i’ve been pretty good at doing that when my old friends fuck up. my dad was like a friend of mine himself .. a friend that was envious or something of me. it kinda sucks when your own dad is envious of you believe me. it also sucks when he just up & leaves one day ..
i kinda can’t wait for my birthday to see if he calls me & if he does i’ll just act like i forgot how he sounds, even though i hear it in my head all the time, & when he says it’s your father i’ll tell him i have no such thing. i know he won’t feel the same way i feel now, but i’d do anything to see him suffer like me. that’s all i ever really wanna see from the people that dissed me. it’s hard to loose a bestfriend like my dad, but i’m a man about it. i’d just rather know he’s not around because he’s dead, than to know it’s because he chooses not to be, but maybe one day i’ll dream about it. & my mom says i’ll forgive him one day, but i know i won’t & i know she’ll be somewhat relieved & i will still be me, even without he, i mean him .. i think see why guys with no dads, wanna be dads so much & then they fuck up .. just like their dad. all my old family members say i’m just like my dad & my mom said that i think about some things just like my dad & my grandma says that i am stubborn just like my dad & i really get offended that i’m compared to a bum . but anyway i kinda miss him in a way .. but i loose a bestfriend like every other day, so i’ll be okay .
Happy Birthday .
insanity means when you do something over & over expecting to find a different outcome right ? .. like when you’re looking for something in your room & you keep checking the same place .. no ? well i’ve noticed that i am quite insane . insane in my freaking brain . i do things over & over, thinking something different will happen. i wonder if insanity is a disability because i’ve tried & i can’t really do anything about it . i mean i can blame a whole bunch of common things to make myself seem sane, but i’d rather not waste the time & just admit it . because when i think i left something somewhere, i keep looking around that same spot until i find it. most of the time i don’t find it . i really wish i wasn’t insane though . maybe i’d have a different outcome finally . i don’t know & i don’t want to take a chance & change because .. i mean things can get worse & i’d rather stay insane then be disfuntional .. it’s okay .. i don’t get what i’m saying either but, one day i will . one day i’ll be sane too .
